If There is a Will, There is a Way
by 8urcookie
Summary: The closest thing to moving on that Bella will ever achieve. Currently a One shot. Title will make sense if expanded (and the summary will also change). Rated T for brief mention of suicide.


**A/N: So this is what I decided to do instead of studying for my finals. This would be a short beginning for something that I want to write. I'm not sure whether to continue this, do more short one-shots of baby Bella (which would be inspired by my four-year-old cousin), or this one AU story where Victoria is not as evil as everyone makes her out to be. Honestly, I think the one shots may be better since I predict a significant lack of free time in the near future.**

* * *

It was dark and the trees blurred around me. My legs kept going faster and faster until I stumbled. Tripped. Fell. Except this time, there was no one to catch me. No ice cold steel arms to wrap around me just before I hit the ground. And whenever I forgot what I was running after (or running from), I'd see a flash of white. A flash of copper. And then I would run faster. Stumble. Trip. Fall. It would repeat until I woke up, screaming bloody murder.

That's how I found my way into consciousness every day. My face was pressed against my pillow, which was damp with tears. The green numbers on my alarm clock told me it was ridiculously early. A light bluish glow flowed in from the window, coating the room with the soft magical light of morning.

The window was wide open and my curtains drifted with the soft breeze. The window felt too empty. Just like my rocking chair, my bed…my heart. I scoffed at that last item. It implied that I still had that organ in me. I knew logically, it must still be there, but sometimes, it might as well have been torn out.

I knew it was stupid and childish, but I hoped that _he_ would come back. It was at that moment that I was as close to moving on as I would ever be, because I realized that _he_ never would come back. And even if _he_ did, which was ridiculous no matter how you look at it, _he_ would have no reason to stay. I was a pathetic human, although that may be putting it too harshly. I was practically dead. My eyes, which he used to think were "beautiful and deep" were now unbelievably flat and dead. If anyone was to use one word to describe me, it'd probably be "corpse" or "dead". Something along those lines.

The point was that there was nothing left to love, and so how could I possibly have any hope that _he_ would return?

* * *

That was when I had my epiphany. In the soft glow of morning light, I decided that if I ever wanted even the slimmest chance of _him_ returning, I had to give _him_ something to return to. So, I threw myself into school because, although I would never be as smart, I don't believe _he_ would ever love someone that was stupid. I started to actually eat regular healthy meals because I wouldn't allow _him _to have loved someone that was now more of a skeleton than anything else.

It took me several weeks, but I was finally able to visit _their_ house without crumbling into a sobbing mess. I took off the white sheets and I kept it as impeccably clean as a certain vampire mother would. If I wasn't studying for a test or filling in college applications, I would be in a vampire doctor's study. He had a seemingly endless supply of books, but even that ran out. I even tried to read the medical journals, but it might as well have been written in another language. So I embraced the pain and tried to play piano. It wasn't nearly as difficult as I imagined it, but I couldn't play my lullaby. The lack of music sheets wasn't the problem. I just played it by ear, but it never had the same calming effect.

It took me a whole weekend to put the stereo system back in. I had to buy some new wires, but I managed it. It was stupid of me to even consider trying to throw out the best memories of my life. A month before I had to leave for college (I wanted to keep it close to Forks, but _he_ would probably prefer something in Ivy League, so that's what I aimed for), I used the discount for the Newton's store to find the meadow. It took me a week of endless hiking to find it. I tried to take up photography so that I could always remember it, but it didn't show the beauty. It took me several tries to put some of the acrylic paints left in _their_ house to good use.

Charlie seemed happy that I was moving on, but I wasn't. This was practically the opposite. I held on to _them_ like my life depended on it. Everything I did was so that _they_ wouldn't have had loved a useless human. I didn't want _them_ to one day look at me and regret that _they _ever even bothered.

And the nightmares? They just kept getting worse. It was a regular occurrence for me to wake up, muffling my screams into my pillow. There wasn't a day that I didn't seriously consider ending everything. But I never did because _he_ could never come back to me if there was nothing to come back to. And besides, I promised, and how could I possibly say that I love _him_ if I couldn't even keep a promise to _him_?

* * *

**To do or not to do... That is the question**


End file.
